I’ve never been one to care about getting older. I have always kind of felt older than I really was most of my life, maybe because I’m usually taller than everyone else around me, I don’t know. Today is a first. Adding another year to my life has hit me harder than any other day in my 28 years of life. Is it because I’m that much closer to being 30? Probably. Not because of the simple fact that I’ll be older but because this isn’t how I thought my life would be at this age. Do I have a happy life? Yes. A wonderful marriage? Absolutely, I am so blessed with a loving and supportive husband. So why do I feel like something is missing?
Most people as kids, preteens and teenagers dream of growing up and being a….[fill in the blank]. Doctor, lawyer, teacher, musician, actor, whatever, you get my point. And sure, as I grew up adults would ask me “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’d say the usual answer. I’d say a veterinarian, a teacher, I think there was a time I wanted my own clothing line. (Obviously that never worked out) But really since I was about 10 years old I’ve known what I wanted to be when I grew up but it wasn’t really a normal thing for someone so young to vocalize. Ever since my little brother was born and I got to hold him and play with him and help my step mother get his bottles ready, dress him for the day. I watched him smile and learn to grab things. Watched him as he struggled to learn to crawl and then walk. He was such a happy baby and then he grew to be the sweetest little boy who was smart as a whip. I knew then I wanted to be a mother.
For those who’ve known me for a couple years or most of my life know, that never worked out either. It’s been well over a year since Shane and I stopped trying to conceive. No more pills and shots, peeing on a hundred sticks, getting blood draws or the millions of doctors appointments and exams (invasive exams I might add), no more tests and procedures. No more devastating negative pregnancy tests. We both decided it was enough and we were okay with saying we did everything we could and we came to terms with it not happening for us. And I don’t regret that. There’s just something about getting another year older and realizing your dreams never came true. Not because I never got into a certain school or didn’t get good enough grades or because I didn’t have the right connections or talent. My dreams never came true because my body betrays me. And today it’s harder to come to terms with than most days.
That’s why I felt the need to blog after all this time. Not because anything has changed but because I know there are more women out there like me. It’s not something fun to talk about and most of our friends try to understand but they can’t. So for those of you with that emptiness, I’m thinking of you today and you’re not alone. As much as I wish I was alone because no one should have to feel what I feel today.
Thanks for reading my rambles,