Posted in TTC

28

I’ve never been one to care about getting older. I have always kind of felt older than I really was most of my life, maybe because I’m usually taller than everyone else around me, I don’t know. Today is a first. Adding another year to my life has hit me harder than any other day in my 28 years of life. Is it because I’m that much closer to being 30? Probably. Not because of the simple fact that I’ll be older but because this isn’t how I thought my life would be at this age. Do I have a happy life? Yes. A wonderful marriage? Absolutely, I am so blessed with a loving and supportive husband. So why do I feel like something is missing?

Most people as kids, preteens and teenagers dream of growing up and being a….[fill in the blank]. Doctor, lawyer, teacher, musician, actor, whatever, you get my point. And sure, as I grew up adults would ask me “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’d say the usual answer. I’d say a veterinarian, a teacher, I think there was a time I wanted my own clothing line. (Obviously that never worked out) But really since I was about 10 years old I’ve known what I wanted to be when I grew up but it wasn’t really a normal thing for someone so young to vocalize. Ever since my little brother was born and I got to hold him and play with him and help my step mother get his bottles ready, dress him for the day. I watched him smile and learn to grab things. Watched him as he struggled to learn to crawl and then walk. He was such a happy baby and then he grew to be the sweetest little boy who was smart as a whip. I knew then I wanted to be a mother.

For those who’ve known me for a couple years or most of my life know, that never worked out either. It’s been well over a year since Shane and I stopped trying to conceive. No more pills and shots, peeing on a hundred sticks, getting blood draws or the millions of doctors appointments and exams (invasive exams I might add), no more tests and procedures. No more devastating negative pregnancy tests. We both decided it was enough and we were okay with saying we did everything we could and we came to terms with it not happening for us. And I don’t regret that. There’s just something about getting another year older and realizing your dreams never came true. Not because I never got into a certain school or didn’t get good enough grades or because I didn’t have the right connections or talent. My dreams never came true because my body betrays me. And today it’s harder to come to terms with than most days.

That’s why I felt the need to blog after all this time. Not because anything has changed but because I know there are more women out there like me. It’s not something fun to talk about and most of our friends try to understand but they can’t. So for those of you with that emptiness, I’m thinking of you today and you’re not alone. As much as I wish I was alone because no one should have to feel what I feel today.

Thanks for reading my rambles,

-Angel.

Posted in TTC

New Chapter

A lot has happened since last year. Not just with our personal lives but with our attempts at trying to conceive. Since we’ve been in our new town I’ve seen a new doctor and we attempted to TTC using Clomid. We did five rounds only three where I ovulated but they were all unsuccessful. Shane had a job change so we were able to see a specialist two hours away. Doctor H recommended we switch back to Letrazole, so we did. She also recommended I order this supplement called Myo-Nosital. There are a lot of great benefits for the female reproductive system, especially the ovaries. It was simple enough to get from Amazon. We started doing the rounds of meds again and then we went in for an IUI. Finally!

The way Doctor H wanted to do it, I did my round of Letrazole while taking the supplement everyday even after the meds were done. On day 12 I went in for an ultrasound to check how mature my follicles had gotten. I had four mature follicles, most I’ve ever had. Then she’d instruct me when to do my trigger shot and the next day I’d come in for the procedure. So we went through the whole process.

(BTW the IUI is more painful than people let on. It was more than a pinch, ok.)

We waited the two weeks and like clockwork my period started on that exact day. BOOM, not pregnant. Even took a couple of tests to be sure. Our hearts were broken, we cried. I didn’t want to do it anymore but knowing that your ovaries alternate sides we thought it best to try one more time to give both sides a shot. This time we didn’t tell friends or family we were doing it again. Less pressure, less stress and I’m not constantly thinking about it because no one is talking to me about it.

Yesterday was the last day of that TWW. I woke up took a test, negative. Later that night my period started.

Now we are done. We are closing this chapter of our life, ready to start something new knowing kids are not in our future. And we are ok with that, of course our hearts are broken but now we will just have to mend them with each other’s love. No we won’t be looking to adopt or foster, not that there is anything wrong with that. We feel that our life is just taking a different path where it’s just Shane and me. I know people will say “It will happen when the time is right” or things like that but it won’t. Because lets be honest people have kids all the time when they shouldn’t so that means nothing to me.  Also because I will be going back on birth control indefinitely to help regulate my hormones and period.

While the desire to be parents probably will never fully leave our hearts, we are happy with our decision. And even though it was exhausting, painful, time consuming and expensive, we don’t regret the years we tried to have a child. We did everything we possibly could do and were willing to do and that is why we will have no regrets or ‘what ifs’ in our mind.  Shane, through our whole marriage, always said his life would be fulfilled even if it was just him and me and now I completely feel the same. It took some time for me to get there, that is for sure. I’ve realized that there are so many kids in my life that I can show love and affection to as if they were my own. I intend to do so.

That being said, thank you to all who have read my blogs or know me personally who’ve been supportive through this time in our life.

For those of you still trying to conceive,

May the Fertility Odds be ever in your favor!

Good bye.

Posted in TTC

I feel foolish

Laying in bed this morning I want to cry so bad but I can’t because I’m so frustrated and angry. I’m angry for allowing myself to….I don’t know exactly, I guess have hope in my body. I should know by now that I can’t get pregnant without medical assistance, and I do know! But when that burning desire for a child overtakes my heart it gives my brain false hope for things I know can’t be.

So here’s the story:

For the last two months I’ve missed my period, which whoopdeedoo what else is new! Except I had my period for 8 months in a row until December. I thought it was because of all the stress of moving and the fact that I was back to eating crap food again instead of being on my paleo cleanse. But then January is almost over and I still haven’t had it and I’ve started to have weird stomach issues. Feeling extremely nauseous and can’t eat certain foods. Overly emotional, even for me. My breasts were super tender for about a week. But I didn’t think much of anything. I blamed it on my diet and our move and all the stresses that go along with that.

Then last night Shane and I were on a couples date with our friends and I went to the restroom, I had been having a slight dull ache in my stomach but it didn’t bother me that much. But then I realized I was slightly bleeding. To anyone else it would have looked like implantation bleeding. I didn’t know what to think, I honestly though I had a cyst except the blood was bright red instead of dark like it’s been before. Once I got back to my friends and Shane, I quietly told Shane what was happening but that I was fine. When dinner was done we decided to go to the store and that’s when I filled my friend in on what was happening. Her and Shane both thought it was plausible that I could be pregnant and to get a test. I wouldn’t allow myself to think that so I said no. But they both had good points as to why I should just try, my body was having regular periods before. And then with how strange my body has been the past month that could explain it. So we got a test, even though I felt hallow inside. Even though my brain knew this wasn’t the case, I can’t be pregnant. My heart just floods my mind with so many wonderful thoughts, times when people say “it will happen when you’re not trying” or hearing Shane say “wouldn’t it be amazing if it really happened this time”. Of course it would be and oh how I wanted that to be true.

When we got home I didn’t take the test right away. I was still bleeding and the pain was getting worse. There was no way I was pregnant. I felt it in my bones. But I took the test anyways and it was negative. That hallow feeling over took me. I was left feeling stupid, feeling naive and foolish.

I feel like every time I feel a slight ounce of hope and it gets crushed, a tiny piece of my heart breaks. I have a lot of little broken pieces now. Today I get to try to pull myself back together and I’m left with this hollowness, pain and uncertainty of what is really wrong.

Posted in TTC

The Countdown Starts Now

We are officially back from our trip to Indonesia. Let’s just say it was amazing and it would be a very long post if I tried to go into detail. With being home now we have some loose ends to tie up before we officially move. Shane and I are very excited to move but it’s also very sad to leave so many of our friends and Shane’s family. Good thing is we will only be moving 3-4 hours away! I look forward to being in our new home and reuniting with my three pups.

The next six months will be very busy for us so that will make the time go by fast, I hope. I’ve actually been doing pretty good not dwelling on our situation. It helps that we’ve had so much on our plate. Now that we are home and back to reality, TTC is something we have to think about again. We are willing to give it one more shot and we are both willing to accept if it just doesn’t happen for us. Only time will tell.

Of course we want children. Going to Indonesia really helped both of us see that if we can’t right now that it’s ok, there are so many other things we can do with our lives if we can’t be parents. I am very grateful for that fact and feel very blessed to have a husband so supportive as Shane is. Now we just have to continue with our lives and hope neither of us got Zika 😬

Posted in TTC

Endurance

I learned a little something about what it means to have endurance over this past week. One definition is:

“It is the spirit which can bear things, not simply with resignation, but with blazing hope. It is the virtue which can transmute the hardest trial into glory because beyond the pain it sees the goal”

Wow that really spoke to me. Learning about this really helped me understand that mental attitude and perspective is everything. Having the right view-point on what Shane and I are going through is so important if we are going to get through this waiting period with happiness and keeping our joy.

Another thing this week helped me see is when trials do come up, how you react to them can really show you where your heart condition is. Reflecting back on how I have reacted when month after month we were unsuccessful and then this Zika thing got in the way of us TTC showed me I am lacking in patience, trust and endurance.

Being a mother is something worth waiting for. It is something I have wanted for a very long time now so I need to have patience because it is obviously going to take a little longer than I planned. Patience isn’t waiting begrudgingly either, its being able to accept these delays without becoming annoyed or anxious. In order to have patience I also need to have more trust in Jehovah, trust that he will answer my prayers if I keep on asking (Matt 7:7). Also that He will not let me go through trials that I cannot bear (1 Cor 10:13), Jehovah is loyal to those who are loyal to Him (Ps 18:25).

Is this how I was expecting for Shane and my life to go? No. Was I expecting not to be a mother till I was 27 or older? Absolutely not. Is that the worse thing that could happen? Of course not. I resolve to take this time that I have and be a better wife while it is just Shane and me, to deepen and strengthen my relationship with my God, Jehovah and to just work on myself and being a person that our future children can look up to.

Thanks for the support.

 

Posted in TTC

Funny Story

Leading up to my appointment today all that I thought there was to consider was whether we would start Letrozole in August or wait until September. To my surprise there was so much more that Doctor B was going to have for me and Shane to think about.

It was actually nice to be back in that office, Doctor B seemed very pleased to see me. When I caught her up on all Shane and I had discussed she was really happy we were ready to start trying again. Until she realized we were still going to Indonesia in November. Then she got on her computer to check how wide spread the Zika virus was there. Turns out all of the countries in that area are dark purple, which is the worst color possible, which means Zika is very active there. Which in my head I’m thinking, ok that is a little worrisome but should I start the Letrozole now or wait till September???

Then Doctor B told me that it is recommended by the CDC that you do not go to places with high percentage of Zika outbreaks while pregnant or even attempt to get pregnant for at least…..SIX MONTHS after your trip. She proceeded to tell me all the horrible defects a child could have if the mother was to contract Zika and pass it to the child.

Let me tell you, it felt like someone punched me in the gut. Seriously I thought everything was going to be fine today and that Shane and I would be on our way to try to be parents finally. Ha I have no such luck. Now I know this isn’t the end of the world, she didn’t tell me we could never try to have children but it still stings none the less. It was a huge wrench in our plans which seems like a reoccurring theme in our life. Which is why I’d love it if my body was semi-normal and we didn’t have to make so many plans on how we are going to get pregnant because they don’t ever seem to work out!

The only good thing is that Doctor B has a very close doctor friend at the location closer to our future home and she highly recommended me to transfer to her when our six month wait period is over. Also my parents will be here tomorrow for a short visit so I will have them to take my mind off of this. Hopefully the next 285 days go by fast and yeah, that’s my funny story for the day.

Posted in TTC

August 3rd

It has been about six months since I’ve been on here and since then Shane and I have been so busy. We have been doing a lot of traveling and even at home our lives have been a little crazy one way or another. As you know I started on birth control and we stopped TTC. The birth control really balanced me out and helped me gain weight which for me is nice. I have gone though a couple bouts of depression but they didn’t last as long as they used to. The other new addition to my mental health that I’ve been dealing with is anxiety. I never really dealt with anxiety before in my life so this is a new experience I’m trying to understand how to handle. I might write a post later on going into more detail but that’s not what this post is about.

Our previous plans were to wait till November to start trying again because we will have gotten back from Indonesia by then. However we are moving a couple months after we get back to a much smaller town about 3-4 hours away.  I really didn’t want to feel rushed this time around so Shane and I sat down and discussed our options. It just so happens that I am finishing my birth control pills for this cycle and we thought it would be a good time to start TTC again. I made an appointment with Doctor B for next week so we can go over the plan with her and get a new RX maybe get some up to date blood work and so forth. Our plan is to not take anything for the month of August (unless Doctor B thinks we should) and start on Letrozole for September and by October we are hoping to do our first IUI. The good thing is the clinic I go to has another office only an hour and 45 minutes away from where we are moving. I will be talking to Doctor B about getting set up with a new doctor at that location if we aren’t successful by then.

I know by us starting now there is a chance we could be pregnant when we go to Indonesia but I’m alright with that, it will be early in the pregnancy if we are successful. We stopped before because if we had gotten pregnant around that time I could have been due in November and we couldn’t go to Indonesia and that wasn’t an option. If the first IUI doesn’t work we will probably try again in December and in November we will just do Letrozole since we will be traveling.

A part of me feels like this might be our last chance but I am still hopeful. With the added weight I put on I feel like that will help my body and I’ve been really trying to cut out fast food which I used to eat so much of sadly. Shane is doing a great job eating healthy and I’m hoping to follow his lead. I know the most important thing in all this is my mental health so through this experience I am going to do everything in my power to think positive and stay positive. Shane really wants me to see a doctor about my anxiety and see if there is medication that is safe to take while TTC but I will update with that later. We already know what it feels like to fail and be unsuccessful so I am really going to try and push through those times and keep my head up. I know Shane will help me too. We are excited to be back on track with trying to be parents!

Posted in TTC

Since I’ve Been Gone

It has been quite some time since I’ve been on here. I think since my last post we’ve went two more rounds with letrozole. But no such luck on the pregnancy front. There is honestly nothing new to write about but I felt I needed to update my blog. There has been a lot of changes in my life recently including the fact that I stopped working which led to no insurance for a month or two but now I am on Shane’s insurance. That was part of the reason we stopped trying, since I couldn’t refill my RX. Even though I have insurance again we still aren’t going to try mostly because we are going to Indonesia at the end of this year and I do not want to even risk getting pregnant before then.

It looks like we will just have to wait for 2018 if we are going to start trying again at all. We will just have to wait and see where our life is then. For now I am meeting with Doctor B this month to go over some birth control options. Not because I am nervous about “accidently” getting pregnant but more to balance my hormones and get my system on a routine that I can’t naturally give myself. I am actually looking forward to getting on birth control again. Being on the pill always regulated my body and I felt my healthiest whenever I was on it.

I am sad that our attempts to start a family have been so unsuccessful. That being said, I am so grateful to have a loving husband who stands by me through all of this and that we have a life full of other blessings that we can focus on and look forward to. So for now I will just be looking forward to going to Indonesia and all the other things we have going on in-between.

Posted in 11th Attempt, TTC

Fast Break

Cycle 11: Letrozole 7.5mg

Hello Friends,

Well we are back at it! I honestly thought we were done with TTC, at least for a while. But I recently had to see Doctor B due to some pain I was having on my left side and the fact that I was almost three weeks late. I had taken HPT that were all negative, I also got a blood test done that confirmed the HPT. Doctor B prescribed Provera to kickstart my period. Then a week later I went in for a sit-down with Doctor B and an ultrasound. Turns out that the pain was most likely caused by my super crooked uterus that happens to be on my left side since my ovaries seemed to look pretty quiet.

Realizing that my body stopped ovulating after only three months without the Letrozole and talking with Doctor B, I decided that I didn’t want to have too much more of a break off the medicine. Doctor B  expressed to me that she felt I still had a good chance of getting pregnant. There was nothing wrong with Shane and I was ovulating on the medicine so there isn’t a real reason that they could see as to why it wasn’t happening. She made me feel much more confident in our chances. Since I was already there I told Doctor B that we’d go ahead and start trying again.

When I got home and told Shane everything we both agreed it was the right thing to do. We also decided that we would figure out a way in about three cycles to do an IUI. I want to make sure my body gets back on track before we try the IUI so I figured after three cycles on the Letrozole I’d be regular again. I’m not sure if I am particularly happy or excited about doing this again. I am going to try not to “think” about it much, whatever that means. All I can do is focus on the things I can control. Shane and I both want to focus on living a healthier lifestyle, I want to make sure I’m taking my vitamin’s daily, also cut out alcohol and caffeine again. I am not sure how much of an effect it will have on our TTC but I’ve read that it does so it doesn’t hurt.

 

Posted in 10th Attempt, TTC

It doesn’t happen for everyone, I guess

 Well the ‘no meds’ route didn’t work for Shane and me. I honestly can’t handle the disappointment anymore. It is crushing. It is easy for other people to tell me “Don’t give up” “It will happen, you just have to be patient” “When the time is right it will happen for you and Shane“. But who is to know when your time is right??? That is saying that there is something in my life that is not right and that is messed up to say because there are people who are so unbelievably ill-prepared and they just pop out babies like it’s nothing. So no its not because our time isn’t right or I’m not being patient enough or doing enough. Simple fact is not everyone gets to have a happy ending. Not everyone gets to have their little miracle.

I realize that we haven’t tried everything out there. There is a lot of crap that people recommend for me to look into but the thing is I’ve put my body through a lot already. I have nothing to show for it but a broken heart. Shane and I realize that it isn’t good for me to continue to put my body and mind through this anymore. It is becoming torture. It is a constant wave of emotion that always ends in devastation and most of the times depression. I put some hope into this last cycle that maybe my body would just do it on its own, without the medicine and with out the stress of calculating days. But no, it did not. My body has failed us once again.

I am glad that at least I have a lot of brothers and sisters who can give my mom and dad grandkids. They already have so many. But it really breaks my heart that I can’t give Shane a little piece of both of us and that I can’t give Shane’s parents a piece of Shane. I know it seems silly and I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t stop myself. I feel like a failure. I feel as though I’ve failed Shane, I failed his family and I’m a failure as a woman.

Shane said we should revisit trying again next year but I doubt I’ll be able to go through this again. Anyways, thanks to all of you who have followed our journey from the beginning. But all journeys end even if it didn’t go where you were hoping it would.